Pride

As a parent, you wonder every single day if you are doing everything you can do (and not do) to help your child grow into a strong, kind, loving, independent, social, happy individual. And up until now, I haven't been given a lot of feedback from you on that topic because basically, you can't talk in sentences. But every once in a while, I'm realizing, something happens that reveals just who your child is..or is becoming. It was a beautiful day today and I decided to take you to the park across the street. You pretty much know your way now so I let you lead until we have to cross the street and then we hold hands and then you lead again. You are usually one of the youngest at the park, but you are so tall, you can get to a lot of the stuff the older kids can get to. Today you were climbing on the jungle gym and there was a little boy just standing holding onto a steering wheel on one part of the gym. You wanted to play with it too so you walked up to him and touched the wheel. Well, this little crap-head FREAKED OUT. He was about your age, maybe 2 already, but he threw an all out get-the-hell-away-from-me fit right then and there. Totally unacceptable behavior, but his mother wasn't there and I honestly was more interested in how you were going to react than trying to discipline this child that wasn't mine. I was prepared to have to split you two up for no other reason than it seemed like a normal reaction for you, at your age, to throw a fit back (not that you do that very much...really, at all). Anyway, it didn't come to that because you just backed up about five paces, but by the look on your face, it obviously upset you. But I just watched and after a second or two, the boy had calmed down and you started to walk back up to him. I thought, "oh Lord, this kid is going to lose it again when Mason touches that wheel" and almost stopped you, but you walked so softly and slowly up to him and...this is the best part...you didn't touch the wheel. You touched his arm. So very softly and so knowingly...as if to say, "It's okay...you probably get things taken away from you a lot. But I'm not going to do that. I just want to play with you and be your friend." I swear, it was that clear in your touch what your intent was. Of course, the little ass-hat totally freaked out again which ruined the entire moment for you, but Mason...I got to see who you are becoming. And today, I am so very proud. Not just proud of you, but proud to know you. My word son, what a wonder you are.

TO MY VALENTINE...

You are the smaller of my two valentines, but you are the CUTEST (don't tell your dad I said that) and I am so happy to say to you today "HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!" Unfortunately I am in school all day today, but I got to get you out of bed this morning when you woke up and put you in my bed with your blanket (you call it your "deece") and kiss you tell you I would see you tonight, which I will, and give you your valentine card which you can't read and give you another big kiss. I LOVE YOU!!!

Busy

I often think back to being a kid and everything seemed to go so slow...the month of Christmas (which we are in) was an eternity, counted down on the Advent calendar daily, the big day feeling eons away. I just couldn't WAIT for Santa to get here! It took FOREVER! But now, as an adult and a mom (and also a student and employed), I am often amazed (shocked, horrified, whatever) at how very fast everything moves. I heard that happens as you get older, and I hate to tell you, it's true. HOWEVER, much of my personal "busy-ness" comes from trying to get through school before you start kindergarten and keep up with that financially by working. Every day it's study time, work time, grocery shopping time, mommy-daddy time (although that often gets put on the back-burner unfortunately, but we are working on it!). And it's very often that when I'm doing one thing, I'm thinking of another, never fully committed to the task at hand. But I realized the other day as you and I were doing something...driving, at the park, playing in the living room, I can't remember exactly...but I realized that when I'm with you, when it's mom and Mason time, it's just that. All my other distractions fall away. My mind is not on work, school, friends, anything else. All I care about is being with you. In those moments there is nothing else. Because YOU are my highest priority. Plus, it's a pretty big bonus that I really like you a lot, so it's kind of like hanging out with my best friend. That will gross you out some day when you read this I'm sure, but for now, that's really how it is. And I thank you SO much for being the type of kid that makes it easy for me to be a good mom. I just can't tell you what a blessing you are. Not just "you" in the "having kids is a blessing" sense, but YOU...Mason Trusler...YOU are a blessing, a joy, and the biggest, brightest, most calming element in my otherwise very crazy life. Don't get me wrong, you wear me out...you have more energy than I could have ever imagined...but at the end of the day, it's the very best tired of all my tireds. Thanks son. I love you so much.

Things I Want to Remember

I used this picture for this post because first, it's incredibly awesome that it actually captures you at the exact moment of what made that moment so funny. But also, because the most amazing moments can come and go so fast, and I know so many more are in store. So...

Some fun facts and things I want to remember:

1. You got your first tooth when you were 5 months old. You got your 8th tooth when you were 8 months old. You are almost 14 months old and still have 8 teeth.

2. You lost all your hair after you were born (over about a month or so) and it grew back again a few months later - lovely strawberry blonde.

3 You weighed 30 pounds by the time you were 10 months old. You were also 31" inches long at that point. This is the 140th percentile on the baby charts. You are bigger than everyone!!

4. You call Daddy "Daddis". When we walk past the loft, you look up and say, "Daddis?" And I say, "Yes, daddy works upstairs." When you see his baseball cap, you say, "Daddis?" and I say, "Yes, that's Daddy's hat." Everything you are interested in is "daddy's", maybe that's where you go it?! :-)

5. I made all of your baby food from scratch except for the baby rice and oatmeal you had initially between 4 and 6 months. After that, I pureed everything for you. You had maybe 6 jars of commercial baby food in your young life, and that's only b/c we took a long trip and couldn't bring the real stuff easily.

6. You started crawling around 8 months. You are just now getting your walk on (about 13.5 months), which is right on schedule.

7. Your first word was "juice".

8. You still don't say "mama". Every once in a while you say "mom", but I think it's b/c you think it sounds funny.

9. You made us both wear tupperware hats the other day. It was super cute. We have pictures.

10. You hide things. It makes me smile all the time. I'll find a Lego in my sandal, a bottle in the warming drawer of the oven, a teething ring in a cup in a cabinet. And you know where you put them. One day you wanted a bottle so you went and opened up the warming drawer and brought it to me. :-)

11. When you were about 6 months old (just learned how to sit up well by your self), I would put you on the floor with a basket of toys and you'd go through them all and play. You'd coo and blabble and make sweet noises the whole time. Well, after a while I realized you weren't making any noise (which usually means you are in to something you shouldn't be) so I went in the living room and you had scootched yourself over to one of the dog's bones and there you were chewing on the rawhide. No telling how long you had been chewing on it, but it was pretty gummy. I took it away and called the nurse (nothing to worry about), but you still were totally occupied by something when I got off the phone. I walked back in and you had the other dog's rawhide bone and were chewing on it. So, I took this one away and you cried! You wanted it back to chew on so badly. Woof!

Okay, that's all I can think of right now. I mean, there are a million things I could write and I want to remember them all, but these are a few that are popping into my head today.

I love you sweet boy!

Mom

Fun

I can't believe what an awesome kid you are. It's like overnight you just decided to get really funny and kind of attitudinal with me (in a good way) and I'm so loving you right now! :0) I guess I just didn't expect to get to really know who you are so soon! It's hard for me to believe that you just have this quirky, fun personality in there and you are not even one yet! Just born with it, hu? So...what are we doing these days? Well, we swim...a lot. It's hot and you love the water, so there it is. I am sewing and keeping an eye on you from my table while you play. You have the whole living room to yourself pretty much (lucky kid) and you now have toys you can "walk" with. I bought you a Scout dog that says your name and you really like it. You point and talk and are so close to saying "juice" and "daddy" and "keys" and "shoes". You make hilarious faces and give me the cutest baby attitude when you don't get your way. Most times you don't mind, but when you do, it's funny. You get over it pretty quick though...on to the next thing, right? I don't have work or school this summer so it's pretty much just you and me most days (Robin comes twice a week for a few hours so I can get some stuff done), but you seem to like me, I like the snot out of you, and that's pretty groovy to me.

Your daddy

My gosh, boy. What don't you do these days?! You are so full of energy it just astounds me. I'm having trouble keeping up with you! Na, not really, but kind of. :-) You have two new teeth this month and are about thiiiis close to getting your crawl on. I just can't believe how fast you are growing! Your dad and I are going to San Antonio this weekend with a couple of friends and leaving you with your grandma Bonnie and grandpa Allan. (They are coming here.) It's the first time we've left you like this and I have to tell you, your dad is not happy about it. I keep trying to remind him that we will have fun and get some special time together (yuck! I know). But son, he loves you so much and it is just breaking his heart to think of being so far away from you. He's supposed to leave for Brazil in a month or so for work and we're not really talking about it right now because it makes him upset. Your dad is no softy, son. He's a man's man and there are very few people that can bring out this side of him. You should know that you do. He loves you so dearly. He loves hanging out with you and is late for work all the time because he doesn't want to leave you. We are going to take you to Sea World this summer and it will be our first official family vacation. I can tell you without a doubt, he is looking forward to that much more than this weekend. Isn't that cool bud? I love you boy. Talk soon.

Being a Parent

Hello sweet boy. Your father would be very unhappy with me if he knew I was writing you right now. I'm supposed to be studying for an exam. Oh well, I'd rather think about you than 18th century American History. I am becoming aware lately of how truly difficult being a parent is. I don't want you to think you are a difficult child because you are not. In fact, just the opposite. But every day...every bit of time we spend together...I am constantly reminded of how perfect and innocent you are. How trusting and open you are to every new experience. And how very much your future well-being is in my hands. I can't begin to tell you what a powerful and humbling realization that has been for me. There are times I am so very scared I am going to do the wrong thing and you are going to suffer for it. Right now there are not too many major decisions to make most days, and for that I am thankful. We just play and laugh and have as much fun as we can cram in one day. But there are a few, and even these little decisions today like when to start letting you eat a cracker by yourself (choking!@!) or to let you cry in your crib when you are fighting sleep (breaks my heart) I take so very seriously. I guess I just want to tell you this: there is nothing, NOTHING I do that doesn't have your best interest in the very front of my heart and mind. It might not be there perfect decision, it might not be the most popular, but I swear with all of my heart, it is what I (we) thought was best for you. For your future happiness and well-being. I love you Mason.

Family

Hello there baby boy! My writings have become further and further apart these days, but I am happy to say the reason is that we spend all our time together - and we have so much fun. You will be 6-months old in a few days. WOW. I can't believe how you have grown. I haven't mentioned it here yet, but you are a giant kid. Started off that way, so no where to go but up. You really look so much like a toddler, it's amazing. You are beginning to sit at the table with us in your highchair, you roll over and push yourself around backwards on your tummy. You can sit up by yourself and are so smart, Mason. You have an amazingly long attention span...I hope that stays. :-) I'm not sure I have any wise lessons for you today, other than the thing that has been on my mind recently, which is how wonderful I think it is that you are going to grow up in a loving family. I don't have any memories of my mom and dad together. It never bothered me (still doesn't), it was just how it was. But you will. And I'm so happy for that. Your father and I love each other so much. We are best friends and we both feel so incredibly lucky to have found the other. I hope you grow up watching us love one another, spending time and doing for the other. I hope you see the type of relationship you want when you see us. No relationship is perfect, but we feel that ours comes pretty close. Family is so important son. You do not have an immediate family in town that you will have ready access to. They love you and do so many wonderful things for you and come and see you as often as possible, but you have so many friends around you that just cherish you so. Janice, Julie, Sheila, Matt, Jim, Terry, Jacqueline, Carrie, Dennis...the list goes on, and they all love you so. And they are your family too. There is not one of them that wouldn't come in a moment's notice if you needed anything at all. You are so loved my son!

Well, what can I say? You keep me busy, boy. It's coming up on Thanksgiving and you are about to turn 4-months old. I just can't believe how fast you are growing and changing. And did I say growing?! Your grandma and grandpa Trusler were here recently (just after Halloween) and had such a good time with you. Your family loves you so much son. I wish everyone was closer so we could all spend more time together, but don't let the distance fool you...everyone loves you so much. Your grandma and grandpa Ellis drive about 10 hours (20 hours round trip) to come see you every month. We love it. Grandma Fairchild will be here for Christmas. She hasn't seen you since you were born and is just aching to get here. I let her talk to you on the phone all the time though.

I don't have a picture for this post because your dad just installed Windows 7 on my computer and moved my pics over to his laptop just in case something fouled up. Wonder what version of Windows will be out when you read this.

As you can tell, I really don't have a topic in mind today...just thought I would put something up for you. I think my next post will be about your daddy. He is just so in love with you. So am I.

You

A few things about you:

You are amazing. Every day I watch you. I watch you see things, I watch you touch things, I watch you try to learn everything you can about this big world you have found yourself in. I hope you always keep the same sense of wonder you have today.

You are beautiful. Every time I look at you I am overwhelmed. I know that your dad and I "made" you, but truly, it feels like you were created by God, perfectly precious, and given to us as a gift to remind us that life is so so good. I hope every time you look in the mirror, you know you are a genuine work of art.

You are brave. Each day I watch you try something new that you haven't tried before and even if it doesn't work out at first, you keep trying. Something as we get older makes us think that giving up is an option. I don't know where that starts but if there is anything I can do to help you avoid that mental pitfall, I will do it. You can do ANYTHING.

You are perfect. I mean, to me you are. You always will be. But the truth is, we all fail sometimes and we all fall short. AND THAT'S OKAY. Too many of us are told that we have to strive for perfection. And even if it isn't spoken aloud, it's implied in our schools, our jobs, and even in our homes. There is no perfection. Never hold yourself to someone else's standard of you. You know who you are.

And if you forget, just start reading from the top again.

I love you.

Growing

Mason,

Well my boy, you just don't sleep enough these days for me to write to you as often as I would like. However, you are mildly snoozing right now, so I will try. I was thinking today about how fast you are growing already. You will be 8 weeks old tomorrow and already are so alert and clearly eager to learn. We play little games together that help you learn and grow (you love to try to put your hand in my mouth - sorry but it's true. Just a week ago you couldn't get it in there without help, but now you are spot on every time!). Last night we all went to Jim and Terry Fredley's baby shower and I watched all the little boys running around completely ignoring their parents and having a wonderful time and I thought, "Wow - one day very soon, Mason will be this age and care nothing about hanging out with me." Right now I am your world. You know my voice now, you smile when you hear me talk coming into your room, I am your favorite person.
Even with that, I want you to know that I will do my very best to let you find your independence. It is so important, son. My hope is that you won't even notice it. You'll just move from one stage of independence to the next with no thought as to how it happened and God forbid, how I feel about it. That's my hope for you.
I will love you always and am so anxious to know the boy and man you will become. But know that really, truly, to me, you will always be 8 weeks old, asleep on my chest, with your little arms wrapped around me. Not because I don't love who you are at the moment or who you have become and what you have achieved, but because there, in that place, you need me...and I will always be there. I love you so much.

Love you

Sweet boy,

I just want to tell you that I love you so much. I didn't think it was possible, but I already am becoming so addicted to you. We go everywhere together and I talk to you about what we are doing. I sing to you and play games with you. I kiss you constantly (sorry). I know there will come a day all too soon when you will not want these things anymore and that's okay. That is how it is supposed to be. But just know that we had these days and I loved them more than anything. You have changed my life in so many ways. You have made me be a better person...a braver person than I thought I could be. I would go to the ends of the earth to protect you from harm and while I may not always be able to give you everything you want, I swear no one will ever love you more. Sleep sweet my son.

Simple Days

My sweet son, You are asleep in the living room and your daddy is upstairs in our loft doing a little work from home. We're listening to Amos Lee and enjoying an afternoon together. This album is so smooth and sweet...it makes me think about other simple days I've had. And you...right now your needs are so simple. Eat, sleep, change a diaper (or 20). But that won't always be the case and so I say these things to myself too. It's so very easy to let the noise of the world pull you from the beauty of it. Everything around you will yell so loudly to you to watch this TV show, buy this thing, jump on the computer, answer your phone. It's so rare that real simple moments find us. What did Ben Harper say?

People spend so much time
every single day
runnin' round all over town
givin' their forever away
But no, not me
I won't let my forever roam
and now I hope I can find
my forever a home

My boy, I so hope for you simple days. I know you will be so full of life and energy and abundance and I wish you all the joy and excitement life has to offer, because there is much of it. But some days a walk by the lake and a cup of coffee can be just as rewarding. I hope to have many simple days together my son. I love you. -Mom

P.S. This picture is not of you, as you can tell. It is the son of a another blogger (unfortunately I do not know her, but her photography is amazing, yes?) This is her son Ben and the pure simple joy she captured here seems appropriate.

In Memory

My dear boy,

The photograph posted here is of your grandfather (my dad) with your great-grandfather (his dad). Both of these fine men are gone now, your great-grandpa some years ago when I was a teenager and your grandpa just a few years ago now. A more detailed posting of who they were will follow later, but for now, just know that I wanted to show this photo to you. The pure simple joy shown here is amazing to me. When I see this picture, I always feel proud for some reason. Proud that I know the men in it. I remember looking at old black and white photos of relatives I never met when I was kid, and if you are anything like any other well-adjusted child/young adult, your eyes will glaze over as mine did. But some day you may care and so that is why I am here today writing this, yes? What I hope you take away here is not that you are obligated to feel tied to these men, although if I do my job here well you may, but that at the end of the day, it is truly only the joy that is remembered. These men were not perfect men. They did not always get along well and both of them had vices and tempers and all sorts of other imperfections. But as I remember them today, they both loved their families, enjoyed an adventure, loved to fish, and cooked a mean steak. I love you my boy.

For Mason...my only reason

This blog is for my son. It is simply a collection of thoughts that one day he may (or may not) want to look back on, knowing not that they were wise or that the words were perfect, but that when they were written, he was the only person in mind. That his sweet face, his beautiful eyes, the hope I see when I look at him, is all I can think of as I type. I also think of my mother today and the hopes she must have had for me when I was a child. It wasn't until my own beautiful son was born that I gave the notion the slightest thought, but as we age, these things become important I suppose. So, it is with that thought that I begin. I love you Mason. So very, very much.